Friday - 0 kcals

Saturday - broke my fast after 42 hours, enjoyed the meal

Sunday - 0 kcals

Monday- ???

I was wondering if maybe I should fast on Monday as well, and eat on Tuesday, and the fast for two days again until Friday evening. However due to my work shifts it seems the fast would be pretty long, about 56 hours. That might be too much.

I haven't decided whether Monday is up or down. I'm just unsure if a longer fast is detrimental to the weightloss. It seems as though it is, from the advice on JUDDD I've read, but I've enjoyed the feelingso far. I'm suffering from insomnia though. It's pretty boring to be awake all night because there's not much to do. I've had horrible anxiety for the last few days as well.

I haven't lost any weight. And I looked at my f-list and got hungry.
I guess it's sticking to the 36 hours.

I'm planning ahead again... I write plans and goals and charts so I can feel that I'm doing something, as though weight-loss would be faster that way.

I'm going to have an up day tomorrow, and I will make gazpacho! Here's what I have:
2 red bell peppers (30 kcal each, totaling 60 kcal)
1 can of crushed tomatoes (30 kcal / 100 g, 400g totals 120 kcal)
1 cucumber (9 kcal per 100g, 405 g totals about 47 kcal)
2 yellow onions (60 kcal each, totalling 120 kcal)
2 tbsp olive oil (120 kcal per tbsp, totalling 240 kcal)
3 cloves garlic (10 kcal)

I'll probably eat salad greens (12 kcal for 100g) and two apples in the morning... that's 45 kcal per Golden Delicious (the yellower and wrinklier the better!). I'll be at roughly 705 kcal by then.

To add the rest of my energy needs, I'll cook some green lentils, (400 g of 338 kcal/100g, totals 1352 kcal) and toss in hempseed (about 500 kcal per 100g). Season with soy sauce (about 20 kcal).

I like this plan.

EDIT -

Okay, it's 4 am and I still can't sleep, so I went on to cook the lentil-salad-hempseed soup/pot. I've also had one apple.

Going on 45 kcals + 300 kcals, about.

I really like the new layout. It's pretty simple, but I haven't seen it around on the journals I read. The chicks are spunky and remind me of not eating eggs...

Tuesday was a down day, in order to start this decently.

I had water, white tea, and after being very insomniac I had one apple (Golden Delicious, 50 kcal), one spoon of tahini (about 100 kcal?) in the middle of the night.

Wednesday: another down day with water, white tea, and I had the same one apple (Golden Delicious, 50 kcal) and one spoon of tahini (about 100 kcal?) after feeling ravenous and a little light-headed in the afternoon.

We have fruit flies in the kitchen and it grosses me out.

I'm about 62 kilos or 137 pounds right now. Three days ago I was closer to 70 kg than 60 kg. My waist measures 72 cm or 28 inches. My hips are one whopping metre, 100 cm or 39 inches. Bust: 94 cm, 37 inches.

I'm still not keen on the idea of working out. I don't want to, I don't care, I'm bored. I think I'll try to stretch and do some abs training and lunges before going to bed. ( A 10-minute toning scheme. )I've been sleepless at night, but so tired in the morning I've slept past noon. I have the morning shift on Sunday so before that I need to get on track.

I've tried to think about what my goals are. I remember jotting down the same weights in my calendar over and over - when I want to be 60 kg, 58 kg, 56 kg, and down to 50 kg, somehow insinuating below might be possible. I never got past 60 kg or 59 kg, I failed my courses, I decided not to go to my lectures, then I started working, and I'd jot the same numbers into my working calendar, 60, 58, 56, and so on, over and over again because I'd always be at 61-64 kg. Do I really fluctuate so much or is my eating that messed up?
I think I still have the 22 inch corseted waist in mind, but since I haven't achieved it yet I don't want to think about it. I look at model measurements, 34-23-33 or 32-22-34 or whatever. I just want to look passable, because I have a closet full but I can't wear it.

Haven't been much here lately. I've been doing something like JUDDD for over a month now. Getting there.

Me and hubby are in Japan right now and will be here until the end of next week. I have indugled in retail therapy and embarrassed myself with poor language skills. A rather detailed chronicle will slowly unfold in my journal to which the link is above.

A big take care to anyone who might read this.

Morning weight: about 125 if the scales here are to be trusted
Intake so far: anti-depressant, iron pill, vitamin c chew, 130g chocolate (about 700 kcals).
Goal: kcals

Okay, basically I have been on JUDDD for two weeks, for clarity of expression. I have fasted every second day and on every other day I have eaten. The scales don't BUDGE. Actually I have gained weight. I eat too much I figure.

Since last week:
Wednesday: 2 chilis, 100g of peanuts (500 kcals?), 20g of ground linseed (70 kcals), 100g of sesame seeds and sunflower seeds mixed (550 kcals), 100g of ground soybean (can't recall the kcals)
Thursday: 1 chili, white tea, fast
Friday: 2 rye-rice mini-pies with lots of margarine (lots of kcals), lots of molten cheese, apple, chocolate, lunch "omelette" of 5 egg whites (85 kcals) and 100g soy flour (400 kcals); ate at my parents' house, too, bread and butter, fried fish, salad, 2 apples, sweets, chocolate
Saturday: 1 chili, fast
Sunday: at my parents' house, had fried fish, salad, vegetables, bread, sweets (lots of kcals)
Monday: fast
Tuesday: 1 chili (20 kcals), 1 banana (120 kcals), 160 g green grapes (62 kcals), 2 nori sheets (20 kcals), 2 peaches (60 kcals), apple (50 kcals), 20 g of ground linseed in water (70 kcals), an omelette with 2 egg whites (32 kcals), 100 g soy flour (400 kcal) and black pepper, thyme and miso paste
Today: 2 chili (40 kcals), fast

Okay, I ate too much last night again. I felt kind of hopeless, because I'm vane and sad and too fat to ever fit in anything I'd like to buy from Tokyo, and the trip is but a month away. So:

Breakfast 8AM: apple (for all-encompassing goodness, 50 kcal)
Breakfast 9AM: banana (potassium! 120 kcal)
Breakfast 10AM: 1 fresh chili (to speed metabolism, 20 kcal), 2 radishes (to detox, 5 kcal)
Breakfast 11AM: the rest of yesterday's apricot bun, 2 pieces of raspberry-blueberry pie, lots of vanilla cream (because they were left for me at work and it would have been PRETTY SAD! to have left them there; lots of kcals)
Lunch 12AM and probably for the rest of my life: white tea

I had nothing more the rest of the day. Tomorrow morning I should have a huge load of protein. I figured I'd have soy, sesame seeds and peanuts. They're vegan, gawddummet, too.

Since yesterday went from down to up:

11AM: 1 fresh chili (20), white tea, a bite of a apricot bun (oops)
2PM: some raspberries I picked at work, more tea gone cold
7PM: cake crumbs, 4 tbsp of vanilla cream

That was funny, yet weird. Especially since I wanted this day to be UP, since I'd be going to my parents yet tonight. Running to the bus in the morning wasn't very much fun after last night.
So, should I have nothing to eat (and raise hell) or try to have some protein and calcium? Lose/lose. Tomorrow'll be better. I saved the cake, from which I ate the crumbs, for tomorrow as well as the vanilla cream.

So I just ate: lots of fish, lots of cheese. And an apple. and bread and butter. Very UP, today.

Breakfast 1PM: 1 red chili (20 kcal), 2 radishes (5 kcal), 1/2 cucumber (25 kcal), iron pill, 2 vitamin c+e, 1 multivitamin, ginger green tea
Lunch 7PM: the rest of the cucumber (25 kcal) with a dab of wasabi (20) and mustard (50 kcal??)
Dinner 8PM: CAKE (lots of kcals), and since the day turned into and UP DAY, some molten cheese (lots of kcals) to meet the kcal goal. + 2 calci-chews (800 mg Ca)

Total: TBA but a lot
I'm somewhere at 133 lbs.

Just spending the day at home.

Somewhere around 135 now. Not very vegan either. But oh well. ( Thursday was up day. )( Friday was down day. )( Saturday is up day! )
( Yay of the day! )
( Yay of the day cont. - Why I'm a wanna (confession) )

Morning weight: Don't know, didn't dare to look (something around 133?)

Breakfast 8AM: 1 fresh chili pepper, 2 large raw cauliflower florets (20 kcal), apple Golden Delicious (50 kcal)
Snack 10AM: 2 calcichews (800 mg Ca)
Lunch 11AM: 1/2 cantaloupe melon
Snack 3PM: xylitol chewing gum (3 kcal), Clipper white tea

The cantaloupe was unplanned. I found it in the fridge and it needs to be eaten. It was good though.
Nothing more today since I had too much yesternight - the first ice cream in a month, and yes, all of it, hahahaha!



JUDDDD seems to be all the rage, I think it's funny it's just good old CR in a new package and with a price tag. But I like it! This is a down day, then.

I feel very desperate to lose weight. I haven't, though. I go up from 130 to 140 in a matter of days, only to then try try try to wear it off.
I crave EVERYTHING right now. (I don't have money to buy it, though.)
I'm very bored. Although I work, the job just wears me out, I feel so inadequate. I feel large and unattractive. Somehow I wish I'd transform totally if only the scale would budge. I won't be seeing hubby for a couple more weeks and I feel very lonely.
I just look at omgfood and _realthin hoping for things to change. At this time in the evening, I can't bother with much. It's really all about my attitude.

At least I haven't had ice cream in a week now.
Sorry to anyone hwo might possibly be reading this, I'm just too worn out socially to be able to comment. It's a vicious circle. I don't have much to contribute with to your lives so I'll stay out of it.

Was up until 9.30AM and slept sporadically. Went to see a movie with hubby and friends, then to a rock festival.

Intake:
70% chocolate ~900 kcal
1 Totally Black ice cream 311 kcal
Some low quality chocolate and sweets ?? 500 kcal?
2 pcs of popcorn...
a mad cofee :(

I probably had close to 2000 kcal worth of sh*tty junk.... I hardly realised it.

I want to be stronger - in regard to muscles - and more agile. I want to move! and to eat better!

I wasn't very interested in updating my lj, so I didn't. ( But now I do. )

So I had...

Breakfast 11AM: a piece of fish, xylitol chewing gum
Snack 1PM: a piece of fish, xylitol chewing gum
Lunch 3PM: a piece of fish, xylitol chewing gum
Dinner 5PM: a piece of cheese (200 kcal), 2 tbsp of tahini (200 kcal), some peanuts (50 kcal?), xylitol chewing gum

Then I fell asleep ^^;;

Total: moderate
Craving like nothing, oblivious of everything I've read about nutrition.

Books to return to the library:
Vegan Nutrition
Eat Smart Eat Raw
Fasting Saints and Anorexic Girls
Sister Sausages (it's a Finnih anthology)
Nutritional treatment of Eating Disorders (a treatment manual)

Leaving for he US in two days!
And I can't fit my dress.

This is not good. It's too strange, too anguishing. Trigger warning?

Thursday: I ate well in the morning - my vegetables and my fruits. Then i the evening a protein meal with fish. Then binge, again. I debated it ver and over. Shouldn't- hell whatever there is still ice cream. I bought it on Wednesday, purposefully to binge on. I'm sick.
I would never have believed I would apprehensively start binging and purging. Just like that. It's frighteningily easy. Sure, I used to binge already two years ago, during my "difficult" spring... I'm scared because this is it, all again. and I do think throwing up your food is sick.

Friday: I tried to do better. Work has been really calm with hardly any customers, I read, I eat my tomatoes, apples, broccoli, cauliflower regularly during the day.
I tried to cook some lentils to make hummus with the garlic and tahini I had. It became too runny, so I threw in some mun beans, hen crushed peas, and then the cauliflower. It looked and tasted hideous. I almost started crying because I just hate food - I hate the fact that I can't make it look or taste nice, I can't be without it, it makes me sick and fat and I hurt myself with it.
I went to my parents' place. Weighed my self on their scale - 131 - and had some fish again... and cheese sandwiches...
I had already given up on everything at that point, meaning I was intent on eating things I don't want to eat - which means I'll throw up again. I bought an ice cream cone, a bag of sweets, a chocolate bar. I dropped the ice cream but ate it anyway.
Hubby came to visit (we live in different towns during the summer due to our jobs) with the late bus.

Saturday: had vegs and fish for brunch, then off to a friend's graduation party. Had salad greens, tomato-cheese muffins, several slices of Sacher chocolate cake, cream cake. Then we had ice cream in town, then we went to eat Mexican - it was huge. I threw up in the restaurant bathroom but it was awful. Then we went and bought sweets and Ben &Jerry's choclate fudge ice cream. My stomach was hurting.

Sunday: sweets and ice cream. Late lunch at parents' house: fish and broccoli. In the evening I had bread, which I hate, and on top of it, egg-butter (butter with eggs all mixed), which I hate. It was the last equialent of binge-food there was. Hubby took all the sweets with him, of which I am thankful.
I'm up at 138 again. I'm afraid I'm doing a lot of harm to my body by jojo-ing so much.

I've been reading a manual for treatment of eating disorders. While I don't think I am disordered, I am afraid my dieting behaviours are becoming sick. I binge, I throw up, I have all the disordered, sick dieting -thinking...
I have tried eating regularly and quality foods - still binge. I think of food even when I am at work. I want to feel good, I want to be healthy, I want to be normal... but in everything I just throw betwen two extremes - all or nothing, be it studies, dieting, eating.
I worry a lot about my studies.
I just don't want to hurt my husband. He identified something far more precisely than he thinks he has when he yesterday said that sweets are like drugs to me - they make me high, but also miserable, I crave them but I hate them, and I always jokingly (?) say "I'll never eat ice cream/candy/cake again".
I can't believe I wrote all this. I'm in tears.
I'm torn because I think that I'm not bad enough, not sick enough, not depressed enough, and I just perpetuate all my "problems" by talking about them constantly.
Sorry for making you read this.

I would be so close to being healthy, but I just screw up. This has to stop.

Another website I find worth mentioning

Breakfast 11AM: 2 tbsp straberry purée (50 kcal?), broccoli (20 kcal), apple (50 kcal)
Snack 2PM: half a cucumber
Lunch 4PM: the other half of the cucumber
Leftovers dinner 5-6PM: asparagus soup, salad on rucola, romaine, strawberry, purple grapes, peach, etc.; 2 pieces of salmon, oven-baked vegetables incl. yellow carrot, courgette, red bell pepper
Binge 8PM: chocolate cake, chocolate cake, ice cream. Purge.

Total: a huge deal of kcals and a moral hangover. I don't want to throw up. :(

I like Skwigg's website a lot.

Breakfast 11AM: 11 teasp of strawberry purée incl. added sugar (100 kcal?), broccoli (20 kcal)
Lunch 2PM: broccoli (20 kcal), apple (50 kcal)
Dinner 4PM: broccoli (20 kcal), apple (50 kcal)
Supper 8PM: cheese (200 kcal), 1 fish patty (200 kcal???)

Total: something round-up 700 kcal?

A new try on VLCD.

Breakfast 11AM: 2 teasp of strawberry purée (incl. added sugar, 50 kcal?), 3 florets of lightly microwave-steamed broccoli (10 kcal), senna tea, xylitol chewing gum (3 kcal)
Lunch 1PM: lightly microwave-steamed broccoli (10 kcal), senna tea, apple (50 kcal), chewing gum (3 kcal)
Snack ????
Dinner FISH PATTIES ON RYE BREAD SANDWICHES WITH CHEESE
Supper: ICE CREAM

Total: ~130 kcal and counting + A MILLION KCALS

Weigh-in: 133

Weigh-in: 130
Goal: very low cal

Breakfast 11AM: 1 filet of perch (300 kcal?)
Snack noon: green salad vegs (10 kcal?), 1 spoonful of strawberry purée
Lunch 5PM: 2 pieces of rye bread (?? kcal) with homemade mashed avocado (100 kcal?), 4 slices of cheese (100 kcal??), 3 filets of perch (400 kcal??)
Dinner 9PM: 1 slice of vegetariana pizza (?? 500 kcal???)
Supper 10PM: dark (49%) chocolate (1000 kcal?), white "chocolate" (1000 kcal?)

Total: quite big, something like 3000 kcal maybe?

At work today, couldn't have the day off. :( Spending the day with hubby makes it all better though. We'll just slack the rest of the day. Watch anime, play 6 Nimmt etc.